Do you remember that climatic scene at the end of Dumbo? It’s time for his big performance. He’s poised on a ledge, clutching the magic feather that gives him the ability to fly in his trunk. He jumps and WOOSH, the magic feather flies out of his grip! He’s plummeting toward the ground when his little mouse friend says to him, “Dumbo! Open dem ears!” Dumbo opens his ears and WOOSH, takes off like a hang glider. He learns that it wasn’t the magic feather that gave him the power to fly, but rather his special ears. The power to do extraordinary things was within him all along.
Much like Dumbo, all of my life I have been plagued by low self-confidence, but I too had a magic weapon: I called mine God. Dumbo was told that the magic feather would make him fly. I was told “with God all things are possible.” I believed that God had a plan for my life. Not only that, but I was told that God wanted me to be happy and successful, that he had “plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I was sure that I was special to God, that I was one of his children, and that my status granted me privileges that I could not earn on my own. I was sure that where others failed, I would succeed, because I had God on my side and he would help me accomplish anything I set my mind to.
When I was 13 I tried out for a spot on a highly competitive club volleyball team. I was incredibly nervous and sure that my skills weren’t enough to qualify me for the position. I had only played one season of school volleyball in 7th grade, while several of the other girls had been playing club for two years. They were taller than me, stronger than me, and more experience than me. I was so sure that I wouldn’t make the team that I considered asking my mom to take me home before warm-ups were even over. But then I remembered that I was a child of God! I knew that if it was his will for my life that he would help me make the team. With a new sense of peace and confidence I completed tryouts, giving it my very best, and leaving the rest in God’s hands. When I found out that I made the team I said a quick prayer of thanks and ran off to tell my mom the good news.
When I was grappling with the decision to deconvert from Christianity, losing this source of self-confidence was one of the largest obstacles. As I considered what it would mean to no long be a Christian, instances like the volleyball tryouts came to mind. I was a person who suffered from low self-esteem, and what small self-esteem I did have came from my belief in God. I had been taught that I was nothing without God—that all people are weak in mind, spirit, and will, but that God intervenes and is the source of all of our positive traits. That is why we give him the glory, and not ourselves. I was told so often that it was God who makes us strong, who gives us faith, who helps us persevere, and who helps us overcome. I was afraid that without God my life would fall apart, and that I wouldn’t have the confidence to get out of bed in the morning, let alone accomplish the lofty goals I had in mind for my future.
I used God as an emotional crutch. I thought that it would be impossible for me suffer through day to day life if I was unable to take my burdens and “lay them on the cross.” I couldn’t imagine tackling a problem or dealing with an emotionally stressful situation without having God to rely on. I was already dealing with rather severe depression and was convinced that my relationship with God was the only thing keeping my head above the water. I was afraid that without him I would sink so far into depression that I would never find my way out again.
Despite my fears for my emotional wellbeing, I couldn’t maintain belief in the Christian God the face of mounting evidence. I renounced my faith and waited for the avalanche.
That avalanche never came. Instead of finding myself bogged down further by depression, I found myself coming out of it. Having the courage to reject my religion also gave me the courage to change my life in other positive ways. I ended up taking the reins instead of waiting for God to intervene, and I took myself to a better place where I could find happiness. Knowing that I was capable of making positive changes, that I was the one responsible for my own happiness, increased my self-worth. I had removed myself from emotionally detrimental situations. I had cured my depression.
This increase of self-worth lead me to realize that I could be making more out of my life. I had always planned on attending the most prestigious college I could get myself into, and I was always a dedicated student, but my bout with depression came during the last few years of high school and caused my grades to slip well below Ivy League levels. I didn’t even attempt to apply to any of my dreams schools, opting instead just to go to my state university, which had admissions standards so low that they had actually been mocked on an episode of The Simpsons.
After my first year of college I had brought myself up to the good emotional place I mentioned and I was excelling in my schoolwork. I decided to start thinking about those dream schools again, and applied to three as a junior transfer.
As I was waiting to hear back from the schools my old self-confidence problems crept back into my life. I found myself wishing that I was a Christian again so I could pray to God for comfort and have the confidence that he had a great plan for my life. I was nervous that my grades weren’t good enough, that my essays weren’t good enough, and that I didn’t have what it takes intellectually. On top of that, the odds for being admitted as a junior transfer were much lower than those for being admitted as a freshman. I wanted to feel special like I did at volleyball tryouts. I didn’t feel special, and worse than that, I felt alone. These schools were evaluating me based on my merits and scholarly ability. They were either going accept me or reject me, and it was me alone. There was no God to intervene on my behalf or to guide the admission board’s decisions, there was no Divine Will. I had simply either worked hard enough to get in or I hadn’t.
I was accepted into all three schools, and chose to attend my first choice, UC Berkeley. I currently have a 4.0 and am in the top 4% of my class, and I did it all on my own. Just as Dumbo learned that he could fly without his feather, I learned that I could be successful without God. It turns out that the key to self-confidence, emotional stability, and perseverance was within me all along.
June 6, 2009 at 9:16 pm |
Thank you for this post. I can definitely relate. It’s interesting how religion in your story, and so many others, could be replaced by an addictive substance. Opiate of the masses indeed. Let’s all let go of our “magic” feathers and fly free!
July 29, 2009 at 11:41 pm |
I agree and disagree with your post. I am a Christian however I have my own view on thing that differ very much from what any church had taught. You see I do not view God as the feather. The feather is my faith. If anything I view the mouse as God, a friend by my side threw everything coaching me and guiding me and trying to help me have faith in myself. God is not a crutch for anyone because the Lord will not help those who do not help themselves therefore the Bible, which Christian or not is a great book for ethical guidance, teaches us to be people in action, to do something about being better within our selves.
It teaches us acceptance of the fellow man for good or for bad, that it’s not our place to judge and that we can only change ourselves and how we view things and what we do to make our world better for ourselves and better for our fellow men. I’m not trying to preach here so I apologize if that’s how I am coming across it just makes me sad that so often through the “Church” Gods message is lost, so much so that people loose their faith because the focus of who God is has been lost.
Prayer is not a magic wish list. Every sports team as fans or players, praying to win on both sides and someone will always loose, every job applied for, every opening in a college, every spot on a team has been prayed for at one time or another and most have not gotten what they wanted, was that an unanswered prayer? Some may view it as that I believe it was a wasted prayer. I think prayer is something that should be done from deep within your soul, a prayer for peace within ones self, a prayer for someone else in their time of need. A prayer for guidance, hope, energy; I thank God for all that I have yes but I will also praise him at the times in life when I have nothing, and I’ve been there in the darkness not knowing where to turn or what to do and I know that I’ve worked hard for everything I have. I’ve done the work but in that I thank Him for making me, making me who I am not only as a follower of Christ but as a person.
My hope in writing this is that you may one day see the truth about God and His unwavering love for all of us. Please know that I’m not trying to push my beliefs on you just simply offering another view point. The possibility that God is a friend and a Father someone or something that loves each of us unconditionally even in the times when we’ve turned our back to him and lost all faith —and I’ve been there, it was empty. I had the success I did it on my own the roads were smooth I had my life and everything in it was just fine but deep down I knew something was missing. No matter if I’m on the top of the world with success or cold in the ally starving I’d rather be there with the love of God in my heart and on my lips. I pray for you, someone I’ve never met that you could simply be open to that possibility that God was not the feather in your cap, He’s the friend urging you to have faith within yourself. I hope my words have no offended in anyway, and I hope you know that it’s coming from the heart.
~ Your web neighbor Jo
July 30, 2009 at 12:40 am |
Jo, I’m afraid you didn’t really comprehend the heart of my post. I did not ever, and I do not now, believe that God was some sort of wish-granting magical being.
You wrote:
Yes. I know that. That is what I believed as a Christian. That is what I was taught at church and school. Read again this passage that I wrote about trying out for a sports team:
“But then I remembered that I was a child of God! I knew that if it was his will for my life that he would help me make the team. With a new sense of peace and confidence I completed tryouts, giving it my very best, and leaving the rest in God’s hands.”
So it wasn’t that I believed God would grant my wish, but I knew that he had a plan for my life, so no matter what happened, whether I made the team or not, I would be alright. Believing God was looking out for me didn’t make me think that all of my dreams and wishes would come true without me putting in any effort, but it simply gave me inward peace.
I never held such shallow beliefs.
Yes. That is exactly how I treated prayer in this post. I prayed for inner peace and confidence, not for wishes to be granted.
You’re offering the standard Christian viewpoint, which I something I am intimately familiar with. Remember, I was a Christian for the vast majority of my life. I was an honor student at a conservative Christian high school. You’re not giving me any new information. You’re not telling me something I haven’t heard a million times before. I’m not trying to be harsh here, I recognize your good intentions, but this is frustrating. Your comment would be appropriate if you were writing to a person who had never heard “the good news,” but it’s just redundant and useless when you’re speaking to a former Christian.
Nothing is missing from my life. I am happy, fulfilled, complete.
Look, Jo, I know you’re trying to help and be friendly, but I can’t help but be offended by your comment for one simple reason: you have reduce me to an easy-to-deal-with parody.
It’s easier for you to deal with my loss of faith in God if you turn me into a shallow, silly sort of Christian — the sort of Christian who holds a grudge against God for not answering her prayer request, not helping them get an A on a test even though they didn’t study or allowing them to win the lottery, who treats prayer like toll-free request hotline. I never held that sort of view.